Vicious Rants of an Angry Yellow Man

Taking a break from the election, I am turning to the Olympics. I am thinking of applying to be the consultant for the Chinese Olympic team. I would apply to the U.S. team but I think they will mistake me for Norm Chow and reject my application. China is anxious to beat the U.S. in the gold medal count this summer and they need a person who understands U.S. sports to help them achieve their goal. Before you call me a traitor, remember that Tommy Lasorda, Muhammed Ali and Lebron James have gone over to China to help their athletes. Del Harris was the coach of the Chinese basketball team in Athens. You wouldn't call any of these people traitors, would you?

First I would help the Chinese baseball team which is way behind Taiwan, Japan, Korea and of course the U.S. I would give the hitters the same flaxseed that Barry Bonds used. This will lead to bigger heads, arms and shoulders right away. They will be hitting homeruns in no time. I will inject the pitchers with lidocaine and B12 vitamins and right away they will throw like Roger Clemens. No use to exercise your hands in rice as Clemens claimed he had done. This does not work since the Chinese have put their hands in rice for thousands of years without producing one decent pitcher.

Even with Yao Ming the Chinese can't beat the Americans in basketball. So I will suggest that a certain former NBA referee be hired for the Olympics and I will try to hook him on mahjong. Just be sure he refs the Chinese games.

Track and field is another sport that China can't compete in with the exception of Lu Xiang. So I will bring the vitamins that Marion Jones and Tim Montgomery used to use. In no time the Chinese will be contenders in the sprints.

China is good at table tennis but not in tennis. To improve their chances in this sport I will bring with me the friends of Nikolai Davydenko to the Games and have them contact the opponents of the Chinese players. It would not matter if you lose the first set, people will still bet on you!

In football or as we call soccer here in the U.S., Chinas is not competitive. But of course that is because the final is determined by elimination rounds. I will change the format where the finalists are determined by the BCS as in American college football. I will teach coaches and writers to vote the proper way. The computers in the Olympic is already being run by a Chinese company and so the other half of the equation is no problem. China is thus guaranteed a spot in the championship Rice Bowl.

There are other ideas I have that I don't have time to mention. But all is not a lost cause for the U.S. if I help China. When I return I will have the secret recipe of worm and fungus concoction that helped the Chinese women set several long distance running records years ago. I can produce this "tea" for American athletes upon my return. The secret vitamin shots of the former USSR and East Germany will also be available. American females will break all kind of records in London 4 years from now. My dermatologists friends will also thank me for the increase in acne and hirsutism among female athletes as a result. So it is win, win situation for everybody!